i should have told you what you meant to me. now i pay the price.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012♥

ever regretted doing something many years ago?
the impact is so great to the extent that you're still feeling the pain now

5 years ago, i could have had the best person beside me, but i let go of everything. things were going great, in fact, they were awesome. i had the greatest care and concern i could ever receive from someone yet i didn't hold on to it tightly. those were the best days so far.

but i did the silliest thing, to back off, to push you away, to hurt you, to end all. after so many years, i thought i've already put everything behind and moved on but on 08/07/12, i just had to remember everything. everything about you, about me, about us. a million 'what if's kept running through my head. what if i didn't back off, would everything be so different now? what if i didn't hurt you, could we still be the kind of friends we were? but every 'what if' that went through my mind was a tight slap to my face. no matter how many 'what if's there are, nothing would every change.

actions performed, damage done. i've considered various options - 
1. to go straight to you and explain my actions 5 years ago but what good would it do? what change would it bring? 
2. to leave your life and never to create more trouble for you. but this is the hardest option, you've left a great impact in my life. so much so that it's nearing impossible to even forget about you. much less leave your life.
3. be contented that we're still acquaintances. i guess, this is the best decision for you. 


for all the hurt i've brought to your life, i guess, this is the best i can do for you. 


thank you for everything you've done for me. all the phone calls, the late night chats, the outings together, the gaming sessions, the biggest birthday present i've ever received (delivered to my house). thank you so much for giving in to me. i've been an arse in secondary school, with the worst kind of temper and attitude, i wonder how did you manage to tolerate me. but you did. when the whole world hated me for my behavior, u're there for me, supporting me and encouraging me. i was a fool back then. 


i backed off upon feeling the pressure from everyone. i didn't know what to do then. to take a leap of faith towards you? but you've never mentioned anything so how to? or to pretend like nothing's going on? who am i to hope that my feelings were reciprocated when there was someone better in your life. so back then, i chose to take the most painful step back and allow you to pursue the kind of happiness you deserve. yet that decision was the silliest one i've ever made in my life so far. if i could make the decision again, nothing would stop me from holding on to you tighter than before. 


things have changed, we've changed. i'm sorry for expecting us to be like the past. i'm sorry for messaging you, asking why are we so awkward now. (i reckon that was a silly question) i'm sorry for not having the courage to clarify things with you now. but who am i to expect a change between us. who am i to ask you why did we drift apart when the cause was actually me. 

i really hope that you'll find someone who truly realizes your worth and treasure you as you deserved.

iwishyouwillneverknow.

Labels: mehmeh

smile with me at 12:31:00 AM