Lifeeeee

Sunday, August 22, 2010♥

2 yrs ago, i started with high hopes, with high ambition.
ppl started telling me "the higher ur hopes, the higher the disappointment"
they said, "don't chiong too much, i know first year all high ambition one, but dun nid"
i was stubborn then, i didnt want to believe.
i worked hard in everything i do, though appearing slack at times.
but all i did, i did with my best effort.
however, no matter wad i do, they just dun seem to recognize.
saying things like "u buey zai", "this wrong that wrong", "u slacker"
using seniority to press on me.
the burden/pressure was too much for me to take.
i smile, i joke, but they just didnt realise how hurting it was for me to take such 'joke'
when i started out, i kept quiet, all i did was observe how everything was going.
yet the comments i received were "u're too quiet", "must have ur own thinking", "got thing must say, dun after that then complain to others"
then i changed, i started voicing out my own opinion.
i became defensive of my actions, i didnt allow anyone to accuse me of anything.
i was no longer the naive junior who accept wadever everyone say.
wad did i get in return?
"hot-tempered", "fierce", "stubborn"
people whom ought to be on my side, turned their back on me.
even the closest one, even the most trusted one.
back in my "home", away from the "war zone",
i face the same old senior-junior issue.
not only that, we all had double standards.
i'm so tired.
recently, i kept asking myself "is it worth it to do all these?"
is it really worth it to endure all these crap, these humiliation from everyone?
my results are dropping,
and it's all because of this.
as i'm typing this, the urge of just leaving everything is so strong.
"family members", sometimes, i just feel that ur ego(s) is(are) too high.
i'm really tired of hearing instructions from u guys, i'm tired of u guys standing on the other side, i'm tired of u guys thinking that u all are high above and i'm just on the ground,
in short, i'm tired of wad i've to go through since 2 years ago.

i apologize for making this so obvious,
but trust me,
i tried my best to change all the obvious terms as much as i could already.
but i'm just too tired to carry the burden/pressure of the senior-junior/more zai-buey zai/who more useful/who stay in this "family" longer already.
i'm crying soon.

Labels: left right left, true feelings

smile with me at 12:04:00 AM