MY STORY.

i should have told you what you meant to me. now i pay the price.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012♥

ever regretted doing something many years ago?
the impact is so great to the extent that you're still feeling the pain now

5 years ago, i could have had the best person beside me, but i let go of everything. things were going great, in fact, they were awesome. i had the greatest care and concern i could ever receive from someone yet i didn't hold on to it tightly. those were the best days so far.

but i did the silliest thing, to back off, to push you away, to hurt you, to end all. after so many years, i thought i've already put everything behind and moved on but on 08/07/12, i just had to remember everything. everything about you, about me, about us. a million 'what if's kept running through my head. what if i didn't back off, would everything be so different now? what if i didn't hurt you, could we still be the kind of friends we were? but every 'what if' that went through my mind was a tight slap to my face. no matter how many 'what if's there are, nothing would every change.

actions performed, damage done. i've considered various options -
1. to go straight to you and explain my actions 5 years ago but what good would it do? what change would it bring?
2. to leave your life and never to create more trouble for you. but this is the hardest option, you've left a great impact in my life. so much so that it's nearing impossible to even forget about you. much less leave your life.
3. be contented that we're still acquaintances. i guess, this is the best decision for you.

for all the hurt i've brought to your life, i guess, this is the best i can do for you.

thank you for everything you've done for me. all the phone calls, the late night chats, the outings together, the gaming sessions, the biggest birthday present i've ever received (delivered to my house). thank you so much for giving in to me. i've been an arse in secondary school, with the worst kind of temper and attitude, i wonder how did you manage to tolerate me. but you did. when the whole world hated me for my behavior, u're there for me, supporting me and encouraging me. i was a fool back then.

i backed off upon feeling the pressure from everyone. i didn't know what to do then. to take a leap of faith towards you? but you've never mentioned anything so how to? or to pretend like nothing's going on? who am i to hope that my feelings were reciprocated when there was someone better in your life. so back then, i chose to take the most painful step back and allow you to pursue the kind of happiness you deserve. yet that decision was the silliest one i've ever made in my life so far. if i could make the decision again, nothing would stop me from holding on to you tighter than before.

things have changed, we've changed. i'm sorry for expecting us to be like the past. i'm sorry for messaging you, asking why are we so awkward now. (i reckon that was a silly question) i'm sorry for not having the courage to clarify things with you now. but who am i to expect a change between us. who am i to ask you why did we drift apart when the cause was actually me.

i really hope that you'll find someone who truly realizes your worth and treasure you as you deserved.

iwishyouwillneverknow.

Labels: mehmeh

smile with me at 12:31:00 AM

i'm in no way, shape, or form ready to say goodbye.

Thursday, May 03, 2012♥

i'm back, expressing my thoughts in this tiny page of mine.
thoughts that can't be shared just to anyone.

looking back since the last time i've blogged (properly), tons of things happened.
i fell in love, i fell out of love, i hurt, i got hurt, i laughed wholeheartedly, i cried like there's no tomorrow, i collapsed, i stood up stronger, i've imparted knowledge, i've gained new knowledge.
most importantly, i've become stronger.
physically, emotionally and mentally.
i'm thankful for each and every incident in my life so far.
they've shaped me the way i am right now.
and to be honest, i pretty much love myself now.
i'm no longer worried of being loved the way i deserved it and i'm no longer worried of loving people the way they deserved it.
it feels good, it really does.
and i know, it will only be better.

and to you, i no longer know how to talk to you.
don't ever talk to me out of pity
i don't need any of that.
i don't blame you for everything that happened 1 year ago.
friends? i don't know if this is the right word now.
we're less than friends now, definitely.
maybe you're right. in future, perhaps things would go back to how it was like in the past.
but now, i just hope that things remain as it is.
take care.

to all my loved ones out there,
i just wanna take this chance to tell you guys,
i love you.
more than i can ever express.
thank you for accepting me for who i am and never judging me.
i love you guys so much.

lastly,
AVENGERS IS ZOMGWTFBBQWTSLALALA NICE.
everyone NEED to watch that movie.
HIGHLY recommended (but if you don't like it, then too bad)
Ironman is MAD hot in the movie (Captain America too)
oh! and you've got to stay in the theatre after the credits! MUST okay!
quoting my friend "Avengers is the nicest movie in the past 20 years of my life"
SO GO WATCH GO WATCH GO WATCH! :D

smile with me at 1:28:00 AM

boyf criteria!

Thursday, January 05, 2012♥

found this on tumblr!

so cute right :D

Labels: tumblr

smile with me at 11:16:00 PM

有你真好。(:

Monday, October 03, 2011♥

有一点我能肯定，有你真好。(:

to all my friends, i love you so much (:

okayy, off to Bangkok by the time anyone reads this (:
will be back with LOADS of photos from BKK :D
mean while, stay awesome, everybody!

Labels: f for friends

smile with me at 5:04:00 AM

我不甘心。

Wednesday, September 28, 2011♥

why did we end up like that.

like two strangers who've never met.

i'm still waiting for the day when we become like how we used to be.

foolish, but true.

i'm still looking forward to that day.

there hasn't been a day whereby i wouldn't think about us.

how did things end up like this?

i don't know.

the only thing i'm certain is,

you destroyed me.

a part of me will always miss us.

"I go back to december all the time."
what a relevant song lyric.
so close to my heart.

Labels: tumblr, you(:, yunho ♥

smile with me at 4:47:00 AM

i wouldn't change any part of me, just to make you stay.

Monday, September 19, 2011♥

sudden gush of negative emotions hit me likaa 100km/hr train.

"Deep down inside my bitchy attitude,

lies a major insecure kid.
i don't remember much about my childhood.
all i remember was that i cried a lot.
i didn't had a happy childhood."

let's just leave it as that.

i'm afraid to be vulnerable.
it's just that i'm used to telling people "i'm okay"
to the extent that nobody thinks that i will ever have "not-okay" moments.

but, one day, i will be okay.
because 'what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger' right?

You,
i don't know if you still do visit my blog like how you used to.
but i just wanna say that i'm sorry for MIA-ing from your life, again.
I just don't have the courage to say bye.
All along, being friends with you was like, a bonus to me.
I always push friends out of my life. always.
and they never came back.
but you were different. you come back, every time, forgiving me for all the stupid stuff that i do.
You were always there for me, knocking sense into me.
but this time, i'm really letting go.
i can't let this "push-forgive" friendship carry on like this.
i'm sorry.

and thank you for everything you've done for me all these years, never once giving up on me.

p.s it may seem silly but you don't really know the internal struggle in me, do you?

Organization interview on tuesday.
Wish me luck (:

oh, did i mention that i've officially kept all my npcc stuff in my cupboard (except for the PT kits since ATC's not over yet) and don't intend to touch them for a longgggggg longgggggg time.
phewww. that was a major decision you know.
the fact that npcc was a BIG part of my life since 2005, it was kinda hard to get used to life without npcc. but oh wellzxzx, i will survive :D
I had lots of fun during my years as QTSS CI and i thank all my fellow CIs and cadets for all the fun. all the best~ i love you guys soooooo much.

so, it's goodbye npcc, and hello internship (:

Labels: f for friends, left right left

smile with me at 4:47:00 AM

do you ever feel, like a plastic bag

Tuesday, August 23, 2011♥

a zillion years since i've blogged.

~~lack of motivation.~~

~~no feeling~~

~~busy~~
fine. i admit, i'm just pure lazy.

things around me are happening like it's played on fast forward.

it's scaring me how fast things are going right now.

it's like i've lost control of the brakes and just madly speeding forward.

if there's an obstacle,

yes

i'll crash and burn.

got to seek peace in His presence.

i'll be alright, because i'm in His hands.
Thank You for loving me unconditionally and not giving up on me.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

on a lighter note,

i'm posted to Yong En Care Centre for internship.

Feeling excited about it 'cuz i know that place and...

>.< it's near my house >.<

waiting for Mr Jonathan to inform me about the working hours and job description! :D

interview this friday.

gotta start working on the cover letter, resume and needs analysis thingy~

pray that everything will be fine!

Labels: thoughts, tumblr

smile with me at 2:34:00 AM

Monday, July 25, 2011♥

Labels: tumblr

smile with me at 11:38:00 PM

I'M BACK!
here to share a personal GMH story. (:

was really feeling very lousy since yesterday afternoon. i was practically hiding under my blanket and cry, refusing to do anything. like a depressed teenage girl. managed to get myself up in the evening to do some work but still feeling really lousy :/ then i tweeted 'i'm not perfect, but will you still love me?' and a friend of mine, whom i haven't talked for quite some time, replied 'don't worry, i will(:' although it was just a tweet, such simple gesture GMH(: furthermore, without me telling him much, he called me and we chatted for 3 hours (y) and i managed to get everything off my chest(:

simple actions GMH (:

i really wanna take this opportunity to thank God for placing people in my life to GMH(: reminding me to smile and not give up. i've experienced Him in a special way yesterday(: spread the love and joy. i hope that everyone will stay happy.

p.s. i'm not having depression. just really upset. you know, those really down moments you will have occasionally.

smile with me at 9:34:00 AM

i just wanna say

Tuesday, June 28, 2011♥

i'll be taking a hiatus from blogging for awhile.
really freaking impossible to blog regularly yet finish my assignments on time.
REALLY SORRY!
i'll try to update A.S.A.P.
have an awesome week/month ahead! =D

#ijustwannasay
I REALLY WANT A GUY BESTFRIEND.
I WANT AN ELDER BROTHER!
okay, i really really really want an elder brother.
one that is really awesome.
one that will be there for me when i'm upset.
a shoulder for me to cry on
a pair of ears to listen to me
who will make the effort to make me smile (:
wake me up when i got lessons early in the morning. (DAMN IMPORTANT)
will never judge me no matter what i do.
do retarded stuff with me =D
in short, just BE NICE to me (:

no, not a boyf.

Labels: f for friends, i just wanna say, thoughts, true feelings

smile with me at 11:21:00 PM

6/28

Saturday, June 25, 2011♥

guess why my title says 6/28?
i got my inspiration from the attendance of my squad on monday's training.
i'm very tired of saying any further.
let's just leave it as "i'm utterly disappointed in them"
do whatever you guys want.
just don't ever tell me things like "i love npcc" "let's bond" and whatever related stuff.
suddenly, everything that you guys had ever promised, sounded like lies after lies to me.
thank you very much (y)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i'm so sick of going to training.
maybe i should pon trainings too?
shall i?

Labels: left right left

smile with me at 10:59:00 PM

Wednesday, June 22, 2011♥

i haven't been controlling myself from thinking about you these few days.

i miss you, us, and all the memories.

deep down in me, i know that those memories were with a motive

but i'm still blindly holding on to them.

~~tell me how to forget you.~~

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

and to the one who has been asking me those questions on formspring,
yea. i know who you are.
always know that.
you've always been the one knocking sense into me, getting me to realise another point of view.
you're just the silent guardian angel
i've always felt your presence.
thanks a lot.

Labels: tumblr, you(:

smile with me at 11:53:00 PM

Tuesday, June 21, 2011♥

Labels: tumblr, you(:

smile with me at 3:16:00 AM

Saturday, June 18, 2011♥

hello people (:

i'm back from 30 hour famine camp! =D

but i'm too tired to blog.

shall do it tomorrow or monday!

till then... XD

smile with me at 11:23:00 PM

we are hungry, but they are starving!

Wednesday, June 15, 2011♥

haven't been blogging for the past i-don't-know-how-many-days.

my bad.

this post shan't be long.

just gonna tell ALL OF YOU GUYS, what i'll be doing for the coming weekend =D

as the photo says everything, YES!

i'm gonna be a facilitator for 30 hour famine camp 2011! =D

survived through the faci training + dry run :D

Day 0 starts on thursday, a final dry run + training & we're all set for camp on friday!

before i start "uttering" all my excitement for the camp,

shall give a short intro on what 30 hour famine camp is all about =D

30 hour Famine Camp is a fundraiser organized by World Vision where youth participants go without food for 30 hours straight.

They will be doing a series of activities, simulating the life of an individual in a third world country.

To make a stand against global hunger, injustice & poverty.

A worldwide event that will impact lives and benefit both the participants and the people who are living in poverty.

So what is World Vision about?

World Vision is a

"Christian relief, development and advocacy organisation dedicated to working with children, families and communities worldwide to reach their full potential by tackling the causes of poverty and injustice." (obtained from their website)

They serve all people regardless of age, gender, religion, race, differences.

and their work extends to more than 100million people in nearly 100 countries.

VERY meaningful right? =D

I'll leave the rest for you guys to read =D

Anyway, back to topic.

i'll be facilitating in the camp! (excitment x100000000000000000000000)

Frankly speaking, i've never participated in 30 hour famine camp before. Neither have i fasted for >8 hours before. (the last time i fasted for 8 hours was for my church)

But, i don't know why, this time, i'm really excited for it because i know that it is going to be a very very very very meaningful camp and i'll learn a lot from it.

I wonder what my group would be like since it consists of people from various schools. ranging from sec 3s - JC. (y)

I hope that they will all be niceeeeeee and sweet people =D

My "journey" to become a facilitator:

Interview

it was a very very short interview.

asking us "troubleshooting questions" and getting our responses.

Briefing us on the dates for training.

that's all >.<

Facilitator training:

A lecture on what world vision does and a bit of info on famine camp + our roles and duties.

Ice breaker (a very cute one) LOL.

Workshop on facilitation (very useful i tell you~)

A talk by a guy.. (i forgot his name) but confirm is someone very important in world vision. =D

Dry Run:

Went through Phase 1,2,4

i cannot leak out the details of the phases because the camp is not over yet! =D

shall take photos during the camp and show you guys (hopefully i remember)

This coming thursday, DAY 0 ! =D

i'll be updating my twitter (whenever i can use my phone) to update u guys on the progress of the camp!

soooooooo stay tuned!

lastly,

strongly urge all of you to join famine camp next year (2012)! =D

Individuals aged 15-18 can join as campers

Individuals aged 19 and above can join as facilitators!

Alternatively, you can check out World Vision's website to read up on the details to sponsor a child! =D

Readers from Singapore can click on the link below : www.worldvision.org.sg

Readers from other countries can google "world vision" and u'll find the World Vision organization of your country. =D

All the best to everyone!

shall blog about the camp when i'm back =D
have a blessed weekend!

Labels: 30 hour famine camp

smile with me at 3:04:00 AM