MY STORY.

do you ever feel, like a plastic bag

Tuesday, August 23, 2011♥

a zillion years since i've blogged.

~~lack of motivation.~~

~~no feeling~~

~~busy~~
fine. i admit, i'm just pure lazy.

things around me are happening like it's played on fast forward.

it's scaring me how fast things are going right now.

it's like i've lost control of the brakes and just madly speeding forward.

if there's an obstacle,

yes

i'll crash and burn.

got to seek peace in His presence.

i'll be alright, because i'm in His hands.
Thank You for loving me unconditionally and not giving up on me.

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on a lighter note,

i'm posted to Yong En Care Centre for internship.

Feeling excited about it 'cuz i know that place and...

>.< it's near my house >.<

waiting for Mr Jonathan to inform me about the working hours and job description! :D

interview this friday.

gotta start working on the cover letter, resume and needs analysis thingy~

pray that everything will be fine!

Labels: thoughts, tumblr

smile with me at 2:34:00 AM

i just wanna say

Tuesday, June 28, 2011♥

i'll be taking a hiatus from blogging for awhile.
really freaking impossible to blog regularly yet finish my assignments on time.
REALLY SORRY!
i'll try to update A.S.A.P.
have an awesome week/month ahead! =D

#ijustwannasay
I REALLY WANT A GUY BESTFRIEND.
I WANT AN ELDER BROTHER!
okay, i really really really want an elder brother.
one that is really awesome.
one that will be there for me when i'm upset.
a shoulder for me to cry on
a pair of ears to listen to me
who will make the effort to make me smile (:
wake me up when i got lessons early in the morning. (DAMN IMPORTANT)
will never judge me no matter what i do.
do retarded stuff with me =D
in short, just BE NICE to me (:

no, not a boyf.

Labels: f for friends, i just wanna say, thoughts, true feelings

smile with me at 11:21:00 PM

i forgot a title.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011♥

i'm on the bus now, so i thought of blogging to kill time.
for those of you who don't understand chinese, don't mind my previous posts that are in chinese.
thought that chinese was the better language to express my feelings at that moment.
so here i am, back in english :D
i was very upset recently by people who dislike me for no apparent reason.

i didnt do anything to them (at all) and they just don't like me. i wonder why.

nonetheless, pw & dina spoke to me about it and yea, i'm feeling better already (:

i just wanna say, when i don't like you/something, i'll voice it out.
i don't really believe in solving problems by avoiding it.
so more often than not, i might appear to be really rude, bitchy and stuck up to you,
i totally apologize for that.

however, what i wish is that, if you don't like me, just say it out.

it will work 1000000 times better than stabbing my back.

i consider being way too outspoken as a flaw of mine

but i don't intend to change because i'd rather hurt you with truth than kill you with my lies.

trust me, when i start lying about how i feel towards you,

that's when i really don't bother about your existence in my life.

i don't give a shit to people like that.

similarly, when i scold you, that means u're at least someone to me. not some random strangers that i don't give a shit about.

despite saying this, i know that there are definitely people that fall in the category of judging me as self-centred, mean, bitchy, and someone who is demanding, and would always voice out her opinions.
but there will always be haters. i'm gonna accumulate good karma while u can accumulate all the bad karma. :D
have a good life yoo~ :D

Labels: f for friends, thoughts

smile with me at 11:36:00 AM

be the reason for my smile.

Friday, April 01, 2011♥

i'm giving up on our friendship.

i've thought abt it for a long time.

i guess it's better for us not to be bounded by the word "friend".

things will be more relaxed since we're not friends.

10 years down the road, perhaps i'll regret.

but for now, i believe it's best we're not friends.

i don't wanna be hurt by your sudden hot-cold behavior :/

sorry for being selfish.

sorry for wanting to protect myself.

one day, i believe, we'll be friends once again.

and i'll always be waiting for that day (:

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

nope, the post above isn't for those childish people who love to scold me on fb, on blog.

i won't take back what i said.

you can't possibly blog & fb scold me then expect me to forgive you when you simply blame it on poor anger management.

i'm sorry, qy isn't such a person anymore.

and one thing i really don't like?

people apologise via blogging.

what's worse?

mentioning my name in the post.

grrrr.

been very angsty recently :/

but i shall remind myself that there are still tons of things out there for me to be happy about.

smile everyone (:

SMILE WITH MEYYYYYYY =DDDDDDDDDDDDDD

Labels: f for friends, thoughts

smile with me at 1:41:00 AM

take me away

Tuesday, March 29, 2011♥

i don't blog in a "turn-one-big-round" way.

and i don't intend to do so.

recently, someone told me to learn how to open up to ppl, to share my feelings without the fear of being judged.

and hey, it makes perfect sense.

i know i always have this problem of opening up to ppl and i thought perhaps that person (let's name it Stitch [no special meaning, i merely saw my Stitch waterbottle beside me] )

okay, i thought perhaps Stitch could be the first one i open up to.

and guess wad?

i-was-brushed-off.

OUCH.

yea, that definitely hurt.

but being me, all i could do was to hide my hurt and said it's okay.

the next day, Stitch didnt ask about what i wanted to say the day before (despite promising to do so).

instead, Stitch said that i was acting weird with all my short replies but that was simply because i don't know how to talk / react / reply to someone who brushed me off just as i was sharing.

it's like someone who's afraid to step out of the door and finally she took the courage and place one foot out then BAAM.

someone splash a bucket of cold water on her and tadaa~ she don't dare to step out of the house again.

what if someone does that again the next time she tries to step out of the house?

i guess not everyone has all the courage in the world to keep trying.

yes, i know Thomas Edison tried 1000? times before inventing a lightbulb.

but i don't really think i have the courage to be hurt 1000 times before opening up myself.

no, i'm not blaming Stitch. (yea, REALLY)

i'm just trying to reflect how asshole we humans can be sometimes?

i mean, let's not try to be nice in times when we can't be.

don't promise someone that you'll be listening to her when you don't have the time to do so.

sometimes, it's best to leave things as it is if you can't commit.

it's better to tell her u'll listen/help her another time because you don't have the time now than to brush her off.

trust me, it's more hurting to be brushed off.

this is gonna be a major lesson for me.

ikr.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i love it when i ----- after an angsty / angry post.

suddenly, the ansty-ness within me will die down and i'll feel all happy and cheerful again.

that inner peace (y)

okay, despite having that ~~stupid~~ headache for the past few weeks, i went with my mummaye to meet the tour person ytd evening to make payment for our Batam trip.

that guy was sooooooooooooooo friendly.

and he was talking about his VILLAS in Bali.

just by listening, i was so EGGCITED!

NEXT TRIP : BALI! probably during my June holidays~~!!

The Highlights! :

1. Personal Chauffeur + Car + Petrol (Mark [the friendly guy] will top up for free everyday!)

2. Handphone (Return upon checkout)

3. Cows outside your villa (belong to Mark but it's for tourists to see!)

4. All sorts of Watersports.

5. Security 24/7

6. Maid

7. Pay USD 20 - 30 for a 45 mins Submarine experience! :D

8. There's this beach (don't know the name) where one part is black sand and the other part is white sand. Mark said that when the Sun shines on the black sand, they sparkle like diamonds! OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.

there are just so many things that he mentioned but i don't remember.

i'm gonna go this coming June~~~ *stay tuned*

okay, back to Batam.

this is my second time going to Batam

my first time to Batam was rather screwed.

I forgot if i'd blogged about it but yea.

everything was so rushed.

i hardly had any time to shop

most of my time there was staying in the resort which was rather boring.

the resort was.... *erhem* well..

only the rooms had air con, the living room didnt have and it was mad hot.

in order to have our meals, we have to spend 5 - 10 minutes going down the hill and after our meals, we have to climb back UP the hill.

the resort was super far from the shopping centres too.

about 30mins car ride?

we were all falling asleep in the VAN.

it wasn't even a comfy car.

the food was...

okay, i had to admit, the breakfast buffet was (y)

but our lunch was =.=

cuz we went with my mummaye's colleague's friends.

they practically ordered whatever they like without asking us. ):

BUT

despite all my negative experiences, i love Batam.

i love how time past slowly there and how i become uncontactable there.

LOL.

i love overseas trip because i can totally relax and not be a servant to technology.

i hate it when i touch my phone/laptop every now and then.

I truly enjoyed myself when i was in Cambodia.

i hardly touched my phone.

So was it in Batam.

Although this time round it's going to be a short 2d 1n trip, i have a feeling that i'm gonna totally enjoy it.

i'm gonna stay in a hotel! (y)

MAD LOVEE~~

it's gonna be my first time staying in a hotel. (DON'T LAUGH AT ME ): )

i'm gonna snap LOADS of photos and do a long long post on Batam :D

You guys should totally visit Batam at least once in your life.

although they don't really have SUPER cheap stuff like Bangkok, i love how the place is.

you can see everyone enjoying life, no one's rushing.

it's so calm and peaceful.

i don't see any kiasu / rude / loud behavior.

I'm gonna get Kueh Lapis and hopefully meet up with peiwen & dina to share with them :D

mad love their Kueh Lapis.

OH.

remember my hunt-for-sausage mission?

LOL.

i'm gonna go grab tons of it and come back to share with them too! :D

so nice of me. ikr :D

i was researching about the hotel - Golden View Hotel

there's steam & sauna! OMGGGG.

oh, the package that mummaye signed up for, there's traditional massage! (y)

the previous time i went to the _____ (not gonna mention the name of the resort), cannot have massage cuz nobody wants to ):

this time round, everyone's going for it! yayzxzx!

there's also a swimming pool & it looks clean! (the swimming pool at ____ was disgusting. the water was sea water and it looks dirty & cloudy)

there's also a fitness centre & billiard. but i don't think we'll be going to try them since we only have 2d 1n.

nonetheless, i'm satisfied with the itinerary!

i just realised that i've blogged a mad long post.

gonna stop here before i bore anyone out or make anyone's eyes drop out.

i don't think i'll be blogging all the way till i'm back from Batam.

shall do a post when i get back or perhaps i'll do a short post on friday.

STAY TUNED~! (y)

Labels: ):, ESCAPE, thoughts, tumblr, unhappy memories

smile with me at 2:34:00 AM

sucky or not?

Saturday, March 26, 2011♥

credits to whoever this work belongs to. you (y)

things are going downhill (yes, indeed)

tons of stuff to worry about in my mind.

failed ___________

flunked this sem

really CHILDISH ~~person~~ kiddo? (i'm sorry for using such a term) scolding me on facebook

you must be thinking, "life can't seem to get any better" right

BUT

i do have TONS of stuff to be happy actually.

1. i've cadets who really have the passion

2. i've found the reason why i've held on to NP for so long (y)

3. relationships are improving

4. I'M GOING BATAM NEXT WEEKEND double (y)

5. i'm starting to have a different perspective on stuff that used to mean something else to me.

6. i'm learning to open up to people who truly care

many many more :D

sometimes, i guess it's not how sucky something is.

but rather, how you look at something sucky (:

you can have the choice to either dwell in self-pity all day long or to spend the time to do something wise

there are a lot of people out there who are having a much more worse plight than us and despite their situation, they chose to fight for their life.

so who are we to whine & complain & cry all day all night over a small mistake/failure/problem/trouble.

so cut all your crap today & quit whining about your friend not replying you or whatever small thing it is.

instead of complaining that your friend isn't replying you,

might as well think WHY is your friend not replying you.

busy?

you suck?

phone spoil?

something happened?

i mean, hey.

you can't expect your friend to ALWAYS reply you right.

personally, i won't talk to/reply anyone if i'm feeling all shitty inside.

and i believe my close ones know that.

those who are not close to me are those to who are complaining on facebook now (y) *points at the guilty*

okay, shall stop being sarcastic.

but one thing for you to learn,

i don't clear misunderstandings.

i'm very stubborn & weird i guess?

nonetheless, i hope you'll stop it cuz i don't wanna see it? :/

neither do i wanna see you since u've said things to such extreme.

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ate Astons today.

OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.

felt as if i was eating beef sashimi ):

the meat was un-cooked.

seriously and to think i asked for medium.

my rice was soaked with blood.

almost puked out while eating. ):

i'm gonna have phobia of beef for quite some time i guess.

everyone has different opinion on which season is the best.

i have no special preference for any season since Singapore only has Summer all year round.

BUT

there's one season that i HATEEEEEEEEEEEEEE the most.

the

DURIAN

season =.=

durians are the SMELLIEST thing ever on Earth.

they are so smelly, i'd rather smell someone's perspiration-soaked shirt than durian.

how sensitive am i to durian?

i could smell it even if i'm in my room, door shut, aircon on, when my daddy eats it in the kitchen.

gahhhh. unbearable smell.

my entire family (paternal or maternal extended family too) eats durian.

EVERYONE EXCEPT ME ):

so whenever it's durian season, i'll see packets of durian in my kitchen.

and my family would be enjoying their durian feast while i'm hiding in my room under my blanket.

can you imagine my agony when they come in to the room and talk? *CRY*

i hate the person who first started eating durian.

rawwwr.

okay fine. shall stop whining about my hatred for durian.

amazed at how i could shift topic from beef --> season --> durian. LOL.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

OH MY BATAM TRIP!

i'm going Batam next week (again) yupyup ^^

i call this the hunt-for-my-beloved-sausage mission :D

glad i'm able to end this post with a happy note ^^

WISH ME LUCK YO!

p.s my posts have no direction.

topics fly everywhere ):

time to do some changes. (y)

Labels: ESCAPE, thoughts

smile with me at 2:59:00 AM

non-judgmental lens

Monday, March 14, 2011♥

i guess, almost all have heard about the tsunami in Japan.

i just hope that everything will be fine soon.

may all the wishes and hope for a better tomorrow be as magnificent and great like the kites in the sky. they may be far but they are definitely within our grip. we are in full control of our future and our 'better tomorrow'.

i'm 100% positive that everything will be fine soon and a better tomorrow will come.

it won't rain forever.

a thunderstorm will end,

a sun will shine on our faces again

and a rainbow of hope will appear to remind us to never give up.

i know that God has a plan for all of us and He will definitely be looking after the victims of the tsunami. (:

believe in the God you believe in and hold on to the faith.

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it's 4.51am, i have to go down to unit tomorrow and i'm not sleeping yet.

crazy i know.

this is the 2nd week of my end-of-year2 holidays and i feel that i haven't been making good use of it.

during my past 2 holidays, i've been working throughout my holidays with hardly anytime to enjoy nor rest.

though it was tiring, it was fulfilling and fun.

this time round, nothing.

it's just going out with my sister, gaming, mj-ing, watching dramas & NPCC.

it's getting so mundane that i'm getting sick of it.

it's time to find something to do.

to learn a skill or to do something that i've always wanted to do.

but first of all, i must understand what i want to do.

which leads me to wonder,

do anyone dare to say that he/she understands me?

i see myself as someone who isn't exactly an open book but would always try to act like one.

i have tons of eccentric thoughts and my mood change faster than you could ever imagine.

i can argue with you about something that may seem ridiculous to everyone (even to myself) but i would fight my way through.

i wouldn't apologise to people who are angry at me. instead, i'll do more stuff to provoke them.

i see myself as a burden to people who care for me because of my behavior and personality and hurt them.

this is how weird i am yet there are still people who bother and care about me.

these are the people that God has placed in my life to let me know that i'm not alone.

because of all these people, i'm thankful to every single thing in my life.

yes, even stupid haters who just love to bitch about every single thing that i do.

(oh, don't get me started on this. pfft.)

in my life, i've never had the courage to call anyone my bestfriend in fear that the feelings wouldn't be reciprocated.

and at this very moment, i still can't say that i have a best friend.

seeing that others have best friends to share even their smallest secret, frankly?

i'm super duper envious. (not jealous, assholeys)

i've longed for someone to share the secrets that can go nowhere except my heart.

i've always wanted someone who will never judge me no matter what i do or say.

i believe, one day, someone whom i can truly call 'my bestfriend' will appear.

let me guess, i think we'll be super alike? LOL.

both retardedly eccentric.

okay, just joking.

enough of a heavy post.

let's talk about what i've done so far

1. Celebrated my sister's 21st birthday. (planned, decorated, put in tons of effort & money too)

2. Went to zoo (AWESOME) waiting for 2012 when the river safari opens and the panda, polar bears will all be there.

3. Learn how to play 'Blackshot' (okay, nothing to be proud of but still, something new right! ^^)

4. Went kite-flying at marina barrage! first time fly kite, first time to marina barrage! (except during the time when i ran past marina barrage during my 42km)

5. Tried using an instax camera! :D (the films burned a hole in my pocket)

6. Started saving up for my new phone (not gonna tell you all what phone. later all go buy then not special liao. LOL)

okay, i guess these are some of the things that i remember.

all done during these 2 weeks.

come to think of it, looking at all this, my holidays isn't really mundane. LOL.

but i'm gonna find better activities to do!

meanwhile, let's #pray for Japan & all countries that are affected by the Tsunami.

let's pray for a better tomorrow!

appreciate life,

live & let live,

love and be loved.

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sidenote,

i guess, being judgmental like an addiction/habit.

hard to kick off.

because if being judgmental can be cured, the word "ugly" wouldn't have exist.

only when you judge, you see someone as ugly.

then again, who are we to say that someone is ugly?

who sets the definition of "pretty" or "ugly".

what exactly is the definition of "ugly"?

there's no answer to this.

beauty lies in the eyes of its beholders.

so stop judging, today.

see the world through a non-judgmental lens, and the world would be a better place (:

Labels: GMH, reflection, thoughts, true feelings

smile with me at 4:06:00 AM

inspiration

Tuesday, February 08, 2011♥

credits: tumblr.com

recently, my posts are more or less tumblr-inspired. LOL

tumblr knows my heart best. (y)

but i love how i can express freely on my blog.

I LOVE YOU BOTH! :D

anyway, yea. ytd was my birthday.

had a simple yet AWESOME celebration with my loved ones.

thanks to everyone. :D

i'll wait, if the wait is worth it.

i don't know what will happen in 3 weeks' time,

but i'll just take one step at a time.

Labels: ♥, thoughts, tumblr

smile with me at 1:52:00 AM

what am i thinking?

Sunday, February 06, 2011♥

credits: tumblr.com

pictures to reflect my thoughts.

short and sweet post.

Labels: ♥, thoughts, tumblr

smile with me at 9:39:00 PM

regrets are learning points

Saturday, February 05, 2011♥

okay. a proper post today!

CNY

every year, without fail, chinese new year = boring.

i don't have much relatives to visit :/

yea, so i don't usually look forward to chinese new year.

except for the buying clothes part and the angbaos. =D

oh, even the steamboat part is getting boring already. but i still enjoy eating steamboat though.

ironic much. but lalala.

but one thing's different this year. - the topic.

my love life has been the topic this year.

awkward max, ikr.

i was even asked when am i gonna get married. LOL.

yes, i'm only 19 this year. i thought this topic usually will start on someone who's mid-20s or late 20s

but frankly, it got me thinking that it's time to get someone. HAHAHAHA.

no, i'm not desperate. just that, come to think of it, it's time.

date a few more years, can get married liao.

just like one of my half-cousin.

in a r/s for 5 years already. another 6 years gonna get married (y)

11 years of r/s. wow. that idea sounds good.

but i don't think i'll wait for 11 years to get married. cuz by then, i'll be 30? OMG.

nonono. LOL. i wanna get married by 25! =D HAHAHAHA

6 more years left. jialat~ can find in time not. ):

HAHAHHAA. okay, that's just crap la kay.

okay, not really crap, some truth in it. but i'll leave it to u guys to guess which are the truthsss. :D

oh, and cny was 1/2 ruined by the atmosphere at home.

not gonna elaborate any further.

okay, i've lost my train of thoughts.

awesome. ):

shall continue later. =D

Labels: ♥, thoughts

smile with me at 12:36:00 AM

you are what you perceive yourself to be (:

Thursday, January 20, 2011♥

too tired to blog a long, proper post.

shall jot down this little thought of mine so that i can expand it later tmr or remind myself to blog about something tomorrow.

recently i've been reading magazines and blogs.

and i realise that most teenagers are taking their life wayyyy too lightly.

they say they want to die/want to jump off the building/commit suicide at the slightest thing like friendship problem or even breaking up with their girlf/boyf.

i find it really stupid. sorry, but yes, i used the word 'stupid'.

everyday, people are fighting against natural disasters/man-made disasters/diseases/cancers just so that they can live just one more day.

but there are people who'd rather die?

and cutting wrist =.= do you really think that by cutting your wrist will solve anything?

i'm just very pissed off by people who take their lives lightly.

i had relatives dying of cancer and all they wished was to live just another day or as long as they could. but they just had to be brought away by cancer.

they are the ones who treasure their lives more than anything but this just had to happen to them :/

time to wake up, stupid, naive teenagers.

step out of your comfort zone and quit living under the care and protection of your parents.

stop being the fragile teenager that can't even handle a small setback.

stop seeing death as an alternative to your problems.

IT IS NOT.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

i guess it's just me.

i'm not someone who would encourage people to gain pity from others to make themselves feel better. so if you ever need someone to pity you or encourage you to gain pity, don't come to me. i'll tell you to find a solution and move on. if you have a problem, you face it. if the problem isn't worth your effort, then throw it to the back of your head or better still, OUT of your head.

it's time to realise, if you hadn't, that life is full of setbacks.

there's only 2 options for you.

1. whine and rant and complain whole day why life is so unfair to you, be emo forever

2. find a solution to it, solve the problem and carry on with your life.

nothing's worth you staying stagnant in your life.

you have to move on.

who isn't burdened by problems? everyone is.

it's just how one would react to it that makes the difference.

sometimes, changing the way how you see something helps too. it's just how you perceive a situation that affects your mood sometimes.

yup, so everyone who's emo/depressed/sad now, try alternatives.

think positively. don't constantly live in your current state. step out of your comfort zone.

no, i'm not assuming that everyone is strong. but i believe everyone is strong enough to overcome their problems (: you can always turn to your friends for support. remember, you're not alone in this world.

it's not something easy, but if you don't take the first step, you'll forever be in that cycle.

goodluck, peeps (:

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okay, i know this was suppose to be a short post. but i had to type everything that came to my mind because i know i'll definitely forget everything tmr. xD

and, yea.

the amount of things i'm willing to share with you, is directly proportionate to the amount of things you're willing to share with me.

so if i'm not sharing things with you, it's probably because i don't feel that this sharing is 2-way.

but oh well, if you don't wanna share/can't be bothered, i can't force you too right?

this IS NOT towards any individual.

it's just something i want to share so people will understand me more.

(: one sharing a day, keeps accusation away~ :D

lastly, i just told my mummaye that i don't expect to celebrate my birthday this year.

not gonna share the reasons here. way toooooo personal.

it's better not to expect anything than to expect something and be disappointed afterwards.

i've decided how i'm gonna go about with my 21st though (which is 2 years from now. HAHAHAH)

p.s i apologise if this post sounded angsty or rude to you. i was quite angsty while blogging. yup.

Labels: reflection, thoughts

smile with me at 12:56:00 AM

a picture speaks a thousand words

Sunday, January 16, 2011♥

they all say, a picture speaks a thousand words.

so i have a few thousand words here? :/

i wonder what goes through your head when you see me :/

credits: tumblr.com

----------------------------------------------------------------

i'm sorry that i'm not replying you.

i'm sorry that i was being mean.

i'm sorry that things are like that now.

i'm sorry that i ruined yet another friendship.

perhaps i just can't maintain a friendship without ruining anything.

hope you'll have better friends.

thanks for being such an awesome and nice friend, late night msn buddy.

thanks for caring when no one cares.

don't turn back to this friendship, nothing's worth your effort.

hurt is caused, damage is done, sorry or not doesn't matter anymore.

*hug* take care.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

trying to stay positive despite all that's happening recently.

i'm strong enough to survive.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

14/1/11

my hamster died :/

RIP. whenever i walk to the kitchen, heart will sink to the bottom when i don't see the cage there:/ i miss you. i'm sorry.

on a lighter note,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DARREN! :D

STAY AWESOME :D

okay, this post is quite late but i wished you many many times that day okay~ :D

Labels: thoughts, unhappy memories, you(:

smile with me at 11:40:00 PM

have faith in me

Thursday, January 13, 2011♥

yea, this is the reason why i'm still holding on to everything that's keeping me going. things came collapsing on me recently again. and i'm finding it hard to smile and pretend that nothing's wrong when everything's wrong. it hurts to smile now. nonetheless, i just want to reassure everyone of you who's concerned about me that i WILL be alright. i have survived the previous phase and i'm sure i'll survive this phase too. it's just a phase of mine that i have to overcome it alone. I can't possibly depend on someone whenever something happens. It's just not helping me. It's time i stand up alone and deal with whatever that's coming against me (: trust me, friends. if i could, i'll really tell you guys everything that is going through my mind now but the reason why i'm not sharing fully is because the thoughts are all messed up in me and i can't put them into words for you.

yup, have faith in me and continue to pray for me are the only two things you guys can do for me i guess (: thank you all so much for the constant care and love showered on me despite me keeping you guys out of my circle. it's just something i need to learn when overcoming this phase too i guess. to stop pushing people away in fear that they will hurt me. i'm sorry to those whom i've pushed away before we could even get close. it's just me i guess :/ sorry for disappointing you sometimes.

but my greatest apology is to friends whom i've been unable to be there for you when you need me. sorry for promising that i'll be there for you always yet not living up to my promise. it's normal that you chose to drift away from me i guess since i haven't been making the effort to keep up with the friendship between us. it's just bugging me so much that i'm losing myself and friends around me. all i ask is that you'll place your faith in me that one day, when i've finally found myself, i'll come back to our friendship once again and fulfill my promise. this, i promise you my friend that i'll never break my promise again. sorry for the hurt.

i guess i'm no longer gonna try to fix friendships that are broken due to rumors. i'm at a loss of what am i suppose to do if random people just decide to bitch about me and the supposed friend of mine chose to believe them than me. sorry for letting go.

anyway, things are starting to get a little better i guess. with the support from you all, i'm starting to take the step out towards my fears. the steps will continue to come. and one day, i'll be able to smile as real as i can be.

this sums up what i have to say about what had happened to me recently.

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you,

i'm glad i chose to ask you about what happened between us instead of acting like nothing's wrong and slowly drifting apart. what you've requested last night is still in my mind and yes, i'm willing to wait for you to go through everything that you're going through now, friend. i just wanna let you know that no matter what i'm going through now, i'll still be there for you no matter what. no matter what time and where, when you need a listening ear, i'm here. one day, i hope that you'll no longer be an answering machine and share your thoughts and feelings with me freely without me probing much (: i believe that u'll be able to go through this period and be stronger after because you're awesomely strong. :D *hug*

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i'm not going to get emo over you ever again. if this is how things are going to be, i'll just go with the flow and take one step at a time. if things are not going to turn out like how i wish it would be, at least the most i can do is to prevent myself from losing our friendship. i just wanna care for you and be there for you. no expectations at all, i promise. and, isly. (:

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to give up, takes some time.

to carry on, takes some courage.

i choose to carry on for myself & for those who loves me.

thank you so much.

Labels: GMH, thoughts, you(:

smile with me at 3:54:00 PM

TYVM

Wednesday, January 12, 2011♥

i guess, sometimes staying back really helps?

had dinner with pw today and was taking my own sweet time walking to the bus stop. even going to the toilet near cheers. that was when i received an sms from a friend telling me he's staying back in school to wait for another friend. stayed back with him and started having a HTHT (i suppose?). it was great, it was exactly something i need now. long chats to distract me from all that i'm going through now.though we weren't really talking about proper topics and the first 1/2 of our convo was basically about random stuff and disturbings, it really helped alot. everything was going nice and well, was laughing, giggling, retard-ing, nonsense-ing till *poke* we reached the sensitive topic. :/ and i can't believe i broke down infront of you. first time crying so badly in school and to make it worse, infront of you =.= nonetheless, thank you so much for the 2 hours chat (: retarded you may be, but you're still the awesome you i know (:

i'm feeling really shitty inside but nonetheless, life still goes on. stay strong, qy.

just so you know, you just stabbed me damn hard on my heart. and i'm not thankful to you for that. i guess it's your way of expressing that you're just not that into me. wadever reason it may be. damaged/hurt done.

i really need a break.

Labels: GMH, thoughts, unhappy memories, you(:

smile with me at 12:49:00 AM

rainbow after thunderstorm

Tuesday, January 11, 2011♥

THANKS A MILLION TRILLION ZILLION~ =D

i'm sorry for all the trouble caused :/

it may seem like a small gesture to you but it really means A LOT to me (:

like a rainbow after a thunderstorm :D

like a guardian angel (yes, i can imagine that =.= face on you BUT i really felt this way :X)

thanks a lot. thanks for everything.

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~~it got me wondering, where were you. :/~~

~~do you even bother :/~~

Labels: GMH, happy days, thoughts, you(:

smile with me at 1:24:00 AM

One day far from now, I want to just smile comfortably

Monday, January 10, 2011♥

today was ultimate shitty. :/

shan't elaborate further here since this isn't exactly the right place to say such things.

but would really like to take this opportunity to thank some of the awesomest people in my life that were there for me.

my sister, dina, pw, tp, dnp, jy.

you guys were awesome.

thanks so much for the care and love and for my sister, time spent the whole day with me out when she could go home and rest. =D

i love you guys ttm ttm ttm ttm ttm.

i can tell everyone that i have awesome friends =D be jealous people~ HAHA. okay, no. be nice. u guys can have your awesome friends too =DDD

okay anyway, i was out whole day and i went to NEX =D awesome place i swear. super biggggggggggggggggg~~~~~ then went to vivo to watch [Meet the Parents : Little Fockers ] to cheer up and IT WAS SUPER DUPER HILARIOUS. WAS LAUGHING SO BADLY.

so glad we chose to watch a movie. totally relaxed and cheered up after the movie =D

ohoh, and i did retail therapy. HAHAHAHAHA.

bought 3 tops today. *guilty*

BUT i NOT shopaholic okay~~

i hardly buy clothes. it's all in the name of CNY. HAHAHAHAH.

totally in love with F21 now =DDDDDD

i've been watching ALOT of movies recently. i think GV should give me some platinum membership for being such a loyal movie-ian. LOL. nonsense. crap. i've been blogging nonsense nowadays but i'm a no sense person anyway right. :X

SCHOOL TMR~

I'M HAPPY CUZ I'M FINALLY GOING BACK TO A SCHOOL LIFE BUT I'M NOT HAPPY CUZ IT MEANS I'M GONNA BE DROWNED WITH SCHOOLWORK AGAIN. ):

well~~~

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHI-ER-LING!

19 LOHHH~~

LAO REN LAO REN~

=DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

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you.

i miss having you to talk to :/

i miss our never-ending conversations.

and today while walking around, i kept seeing things related to you.

till one point, i really thought i was crazy and hallucinating. :X ahh well.

i bet pw is gonna slap me again for thinking of you.

*world peace*

Labels: thoughts, unhappy memories, you(:

smile with me at 1:04:00 AM

i don't know what to say

Saturday, January 08, 2011♥

people are getting sick and tired of me i guess?

haha :/

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OH'11 was fun on the last day!

had lots of laugh (:

people were nice and funny.

it really got all the unhappy stuff off my mind for awhile.

so glad that i chose to volunteer instead of staying at home, dwelling on how noob i am to make myself so upset over such small stuff when people in Cambodia are starving and worrying about not having enough to eat :/

i'm so immature this time. really need to stop all these nonsensical thoughts.

time for the old qy to be back.

time to stay away from you.

this post is so no sense no sense~ BUT I'M TIRED WAD. WAD TO DO. LOL

no la, will post something better tomorrow. *pinky promise* =D

Labels: thoughts

smile with me at 11:23:00 PM

hurt me not

Friday, January 07, 2011♥

sometimes i just wished that people don't tell me stuff because i can't understand their chim thoughts with my so-called simple mind. yet i really wanna know all the updates, care and be there for them. it's really a hell lot of internal struggle in me. it just sucks kay.

it's not easy for me at all.

so please be kind enough to not be offended by my simple mind. that's all i ask for. but till now, no one is able to forgive my simple mind and share with me without expecting that i'll reply/advice them in the chim manner like them. it's kinda hurting to know that people aren't exactly sharing things with you because you're a dumbass and they don't wanna spend some effort to tell you stuff.

if you're unable to understand and forgive how my mind works, then don't share anything with me anymore i guess. i will never meet your expectation of giving chim advice.

expectations. pfft.

Labels: thoughts

smile with me at 1:35:00 AM

keep your head down

i did something kinda daring today?

i told someone that i merely know for a day who i like.

LOL.

but the thing is, i find more comfortable telling someone that i don't know well than someone i'm close with because there is no burden or worry that he/she will tell that person or tell anyone. not like he/she is so free to spread something about an acquaintance right :X

i'm glad i took the step forward in trusting again (:

shall continue to work towards my goal~ =D

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the more i get close, the more i'm afraid of losing it.

i'm not exactly happy now :/

i'm giving up. call me a loser or whatever, i'm really giving up.

i can't believe that i'm crying for you. :/

Labels: thoughts, unhappy memories, you(:

smile with me at 12:29:00 AM

merci

Wednesday, January 05, 2011♥

you came to my mind today as i was looking through all the photos i had.

memories were really POURING IN. i was reminded of how i got to know your existence, how i first talked to you and all those silly little conversations. all those silly disturb-ings from you. :P

i never told you before about me screenshot-ing one of the conversation we had about you assuring me about something. don't read too much into it, it's just me wanting to keep it as a memory (:

i guess i have never once told you a secret i had about you.

that is, you have left an impact in my life and you were the one who changed me and my perceptions about relationships and friendships and a lot of things. .

without you, i will probably still be someone who doesn't trust easily and have this wall between myself and others. you never know how much you've done to help me. i'm sorry that i'm not of much help though :X you're super chim and i'm just super simple? :/ i also wish to be so chim but i just can't ): limited space up there *points to head* ahh well :/ i'll try to be chim~~ for everyone! =D

though we end up quite badly now, being friends that hardly talk, i just wanna take this opportunity to thank you for all your retardedness that led to the building of our friendship. i never knew we will be friends and ya, i'm glad to have a friend like you (: for all that you've done for me during our short (few months) friendship, thank you (:

i'm sorry for all the nonsense? that i've created. i guess i must have gave u a hell load of troubles :X was being immature in the past (not that i've matured a lot now) but yea, that was the old qy. hopefully one day when we both can really have the regular chats we have again, i'll show you the new qy.

you're one friend i regretted losing.

take care buddy. have been reading your blog regularly and realise that there are somethings going on in your life but being the usual me, i don't dare to approach you and ask you about it for fear that you might not want to share and it will end up making me feel that the gap between us is getting wider. ignorance is bliss i guess (: i just wanna assume that we're still friends (: though you might not be visiting my blog anymore but i'm just keeping my fingers crossed, hoping that one day you might chance upon my blog and see this post. no, i'm not expecting anything to happen after you read this post. i just hope that u'll understand that u're not a bad friend to anyone and hope you'll continue to stay awesome as you are (:

signing off,

your friend

Labels: reflection, thoughts

smile with me at 2:52:00 AM