MY STORY.

non-judgmental lens

Monday, March 14, 2011♥

i guess, almost all have heard about the tsunami in Japan.

i just hope that everything will be fine soon.

may all the wishes and hope for a better tomorrow be as magnificent and great like the kites in the sky. they may be far but they are definitely within our grip. we are in full control of our future and our 'better tomorrow'.

i'm 100% positive that everything will be fine soon and a better tomorrow will come.

it won't rain forever.

a thunderstorm will end,

a sun will shine on our faces again

and a rainbow of hope will appear to remind us to never give up.

i know that God has a plan for all of us and He will definitely be looking after the victims of the tsunami. (:

believe in the God you believe in and hold on to the faith.

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it's 4.51am, i have to go down to unit tomorrow and i'm not sleeping yet.

crazy i know.

this is the 2nd week of my end-of-year2 holidays and i feel that i haven't been making good use of it.

during my past 2 holidays, i've been working throughout my holidays with hardly anytime to enjoy nor rest.

though it was tiring, it was fulfilling and fun.

this time round, nothing.

it's just going out with my sister, gaming, mj-ing, watching dramas & NPCC.

it's getting so mundane that i'm getting sick of it.

it's time to find something to do.

to learn a skill or to do something that i've always wanted to do.

but first of all, i must understand what i want to do.

which leads me to wonder,

do anyone dare to say that he/she understands me?

i see myself as someone who isn't exactly an open book but would always try to act like one.

i have tons of eccentric thoughts and my mood change faster than you could ever imagine.

i can argue with you about something that may seem ridiculous to everyone (even to myself) but i would fight my way through.

i wouldn't apologise to people who are angry at me. instead, i'll do more stuff to provoke them.

i see myself as a burden to people who care for me because of my behavior and personality and hurt them.

this is how weird i am yet there are still people who bother and care about me.

these are the people that God has placed in my life to let me know that i'm not alone.

because of all these people, i'm thankful to every single thing in my life.

yes, even stupid haters who just love to bitch about every single thing that i do.

(oh, don't get me started on this. pfft.)

in my life, i've never had the courage to call anyone my bestfriend in fear that the feelings wouldn't be reciprocated.

and at this very moment, i still can't say that i have a best friend.

seeing that others have best friends to share even their smallest secret, frankly?

i'm super duper envious. (not jealous, assholeys)

i've longed for someone to share the secrets that can go nowhere except my heart.

i've always wanted someone who will never judge me no matter what i do or say.

i believe, one day, someone whom i can truly call 'my bestfriend' will appear.

let me guess, i think we'll be super alike? LOL.

both retardedly eccentric.

okay, just joking.

enough of a heavy post.

let's talk about what i've done so far

1. Celebrated my sister's 21st birthday. (planned, decorated, put in tons of effort & money too)

2. Went to zoo (AWESOME) waiting for 2012 when the river safari opens and the panda, polar bears will all be there.

3. Learn how to play 'Blackshot' (okay, nothing to be proud of but still, something new right! ^^)

4. Went kite-flying at marina barrage! first time fly kite, first time to marina barrage! (except during the time when i ran past marina barrage during my 42km)

5. Tried using an instax camera! :D (the films burned a hole in my pocket)

6. Started saving up for my new phone (not gonna tell you all what phone. later all go buy then not special liao. LOL)

okay, i guess these are some of the things that i remember.

all done during these 2 weeks.

come to think of it, looking at all this, my holidays isn't really mundane. LOL.

but i'm gonna find better activities to do!

meanwhile, let's #pray for Japan & all countries that are affected by the Tsunami.

let's pray for a better tomorrow!

appreciate life,

live & let live,

love and be loved.

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sidenote,

i guess, being judgmental like an addiction/habit.

hard to kick off.

because if being judgmental can be cured, the word "ugly" wouldn't have exist.

only when you judge, you see someone as ugly.

then again, who are we to say that someone is ugly?

who sets the definition of "pretty" or "ugly".

what exactly is the definition of "ugly"?

there's no answer to this.

beauty lies in the eyes of its beholders.

so stop judging, today.

see the world through a non-judgmental lens, and the world would be a better place (:

Labels: GMH, reflection, thoughts, true feelings

smile with me at 4:06:00 AM

Tuesday, February 01, 2011♥

thanks for making me smile though i'm feeling shitty now.

ur convos are always retarded.

thanks a million,

late-night-msn-buddy :D

p.s sometimes, SOMETIMES, i feel like kicking you for falling asleep in the middle of our conversation. LOL *peace* :D

Labels: GMH

smile with me at 1:11:00 AM

thank you

Tuesday, January 18, 2011♥

whenever i feel like exploding/ranting, she will always be there to listen and give advice to whatever i say without judging me. i feel so calm and relaxed after sharing. thanks a lot (:

i'll definitely know what to do the next time such a thing happens again. thanks a million.

a small sharing of myself.

i've never told anyone that i feel lonely.

and today, the first time in my life, i told someone that "i felt lonely"

it's the kind of emptiness in my heart that made me feel lonely. physical companion doesn't really help in this case. no matter how much i laugh and joke in school, the emptiness in my heart doesn't really diminish. it's just my mask to laugh and be loud in school to cover all the uncertainty and inferiority in me. :/ i have no idea why i'm sharing such a personal thing today. perhaps i just want people to know me better? (:

but i'm not gonna dwell in self-pity because it's just so not me. i'm gonna move on and fill my heart with meaningful stuff. gonna be the companion or filler to someone else's empty heart (: this shall be one of my 2011 resolutions :D 2012, i'll look back and see if i've fulfilled this resolution :DD

time to set my priorities right.

no more "awwhh-ing" over you.

need to really work super hard for this sem.

*push you to one corner of my mind* :D

JIAYOU QY! 你可以的 ! :D

and to mark this in my memory,

i donated blood today! :D

at NP's Ourspace at 11.50am :D

it felt like i've accomplished something great in my life :D

i'm so sorry i didn't manage to take a photo of my bandage before taking it out.

but smart people like YOU ALL, should know how to make use of the search engine - Google/Yahoo right :D

STRONGLY ENCOURAGE ALL OF YOU TO GO AND DONATE YOUR BLOOD TO SAVE A LIFE! :DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

it's not painful (i mean, i didn't really feel the pain) heh.

Labels: GMH, happy days, memories

smile with me at 11:30:00 PM

have faith in me

Thursday, January 13, 2011♥

yea, this is the reason why i'm still holding on to everything that's keeping me going. things came collapsing on me recently again. and i'm finding it hard to smile and pretend that nothing's wrong when everything's wrong. it hurts to smile now. nonetheless, i just want to reassure everyone of you who's concerned about me that i WILL be alright. i have survived the previous phase and i'm sure i'll survive this phase too. it's just a phase of mine that i have to overcome it alone. I can't possibly depend on someone whenever something happens. It's just not helping me. It's time i stand up alone and deal with whatever that's coming against me (: trust me, friends. if i could, i'll really tell you guys everything that is going through my mind now but the reason why i'm not sharing fully is because the thoughts are all messed up in me and i can't put them into words for you.

yup, have faith in me and continue to pray for me are the only two things you guys can do for me i guess (: thank you all so much for the constant care and love showered on me despite me keeping you guys out of my circle. it's just something i need to learn when overcoming this phase too i guess. to stop pushing people away in fear that they will hurt me. i'm sorry to those whom i've pushed away before we could even get close. it's just me i guess :/ sorry for disappointing you sometimes.

but my greatest apology is to friends whom i've been unable to be there for you when you need me. sorry for promising that i'll be there for you always yet not living up to my promise. it's normal that you chose to drift away from me i guess since i haven't been making the effort to keep up with the friendship between us. it's just bugging me so much that i'm losing myself and friends around me. all i ask is that you'll place your faith in me that one day, when i've finally found myself, i'll come back to our friendship once again and fulfill my promise. this, i promise you my friend that i'll never break my promise again. sorry for the hurt.

i guess i'm no longer gonna try to fix friendships that are broken due to rumors. i'm at a loss of what am i suppose to do if random people just decide to bitch about me and the supposed friend of mine chose to believe them than me. sorry for letting go.

anyway, things are starting to get a little better i guess. with the support from you all, i'm starting to take the step out towards my fears. the steps will continue to come. and one day, i'll be able to smile as real as i can be.

this sums up what i have to say about what had happened to me recently.

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you,

i'm glad i chose to ask you about what happened between us instead of acting like nothing's wrong and slowly drifting apart. what you've requested last night is still in my mind and yes, i'm willing to wait for you to go through everything that you're going through now, friend. i just wanna let you know that no matter what i'm going through now, i'll still be there for you no matter what. no matter what time and where, when you need a listening ear, i'm here. one day, i hope that you'll no longer be an answering machine and share your thoughts and feelings with me freely without me probing much (: i believe that u'll be able to go through this period and be stronger after because you're awesomely strong. :D *hug*

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i'm not going to get emo over you ever again. if this is how things are going to be, i'll just go with the flow and take one step at a time. if things are not going to turn out like how i wish it would be, at least the most i can do is to prevent myself from losing our friendship. i just wanna care for you and be there for you. no expectations at all, i promise. and, isly. (:

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to give up, takes some time.

to carry on, takes some courage.

i choose to carry on for myself & for those who loves me.

thank you so much.

Labels: GMH, thoughts, you(:

smile with me at 3:54:00 PM

TYVM

Wednesday, January 12, 2011♥

i guess, sometimes staying back really helps?

had dinner with pw today and was taking my own sweet time walking to the bus stop. even going to the toilet near cheers. that was when i received an sms from a friend telling me he's staying back in school to wait for another friend. stayed back with him and started having a HTHT (i suppose?). it was great, it was exactly something i need now. long chats to distract me from all that i'm going through now.though we weren't really talking about proper topics and the first 1/2 of our convo was basically about random stuff and disturbings, it really helped alot. everything was going nice and well, was laughing, giggling, retard-ing, nonsense-ing till *poke* we reached the sensitive topic. :/ and i can't believe i broke down infront of you. first time crying so badly in school and to make it worse, infront of you =.= nonetheless, thank you so much for the 2 hours chat (: retarded you may be, but you're still the awesome you i know (:

i'm feeling really shitty inside but nonetheless, life still goes on. stay strong, qy.

just so you know, you just stabbed me damn hard on my heart. and i'm not thankful to you for that. i guess it's your way of expressing that you're just not that into me. wadever reason it may be. damaged/hurt done.

i really need a break.

Labels: GMH, thoughts, unhappy memories, you(:

smile with me at 12:49:00 AM

rainbow after thunderstorm

Tuesday, January 11, 2011♥

THANKS A MILLION TRILLION ZILLION~ =D

i'm sorry for all the trouble caused :/

it may seem like a small gesture to you but it really means A LOT to me (:

like a rainbow after a thunderstorm :D

like a guardian angel (yes, i can imagine that =.= face on you BUT i really felt this way :X)

thanks a lot. thanks for everything.

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~~it got me wondering, where were you. :/~~

~~do you even bother :/~~

Labels: GMH, happy days, thoughts, you(:

smile with me at 1:24:00 AM

Sunday, July 25, 2010♥

"Hihi qianying. Dun think so poorly of yourself k. Heh, got many people love you de, just that sometimes we don't see it, or close our hearts to it. Yea sometimes we dun get too nice experiences here and thr but dun let the baddies bluff ya. you're awesome as you are, with a good heart, maybe a bit bruised and hard on da outside but nonetheless soft and lovely inside =) there will be some1 who loves you the way you are and everything that comes with it ^^"

not disclosing the sender.
but really wanna thank the sender.
went to bed last night feeling super crappy and stuff
but i woke up this morning and saw this sms.
it's like God hearing my heart and asking someone to send me this to get me going.
i did not mention to anyone the shit i'm going thru nw but yet, the sender still sent me this sms.
psychic or wad, i dunno.

but still,
thanks alot (:

Labels: GMH

smile with me at 12:00:00 AM